Listen up, buttheads. We've got a special edition of Biff Tannen's Sports Almanac to deal with this weekend's biggest event—and it's not March Madness.
Note: Information presented for entertainment purposes only. If you consult video games for sports betting advice, seek help. If you bet on professional wrestling, you are a complete imbecile and beyond help.
Select matches simulated using WWE '12
The Undertaker vs. Triple H
The utterly inconceivable happens in "The End of an Era," the worlds-in-collision pairing of Triple H and The Undertaker. Taker is famously undefeated through 19 Wrestlemania appearances, including a narrow escape last year against Triple H. Now the two face off on Taker's home turf—Hell in a Cell.
Shawn Michaels, for all of his preening in being named the special guest referee, elects to, uh, not show up in this video here sorry kthx. But any shenanigans from him are unnecessary as, holy toledo, The Undertaker loses at Wrestlemania.
That's right, one of the WWE's most treasured superstars will lose at the event he has defined for nearly two decades. Both rivals battle to mutual exhaustion, and Triple H gets the upper hand when Taker gets too cute throwing him into the chain links. Triple H lands a spinebuster off a reversal and then probably the greatest Pedigree of his career.
Mark it down, folks—The Undertaker will lose at Wrestlemania.
Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus
In an upset distinguished by Daniel Bryan's athleticism and Sheamus' brutality, Bryan is driven out of the ring by Sheamus's clubbing, but Bryan recovers and dominates the out-of-the ring portion, briefly putting Sheamus in the LeBell Lock. Sheamus breaks it and Bryan scampers back to the ring rather than risk a DQ. Sheamus loafs his way back into the ring and is surprise-pinned by another acrobatic finisher from Bryan, who claims the World Heavyweight Championship.
Big Show vs. Cody Rhodes
Little surprise here as Big Show absolutely brutalizes Rhodes, capping a mid-match onslaught with an appointment-television headbutt. Rhodes does recover and manages to pick up Big Show and implement an absolutely insane atomic drop. Big Show shakes it off and, with preternatural quickness, stuns Rhodes and then obliterates him with the WMD, claiming the Intercontinental belt.
Randy Orton vs. Kane
Orton gets a head start when Mark Henry runs in on Kane's entrance, punches Kane in the kidneys and slams him face first into the ring's steps. Kane recovers and after some back-and-forth involving a full nelson and a knee to Orton's liver, scores the first big move of the match with a lingering choke-slam. Orton recovers and the match seesaws, with Orton taking full control via suplex and consecutive knee-drops to Kane's pasty white noggin. A final boot to the face saps Kane's will, and he is pinned. After the match, Orton joins forces with Cena and ... John Morrison? Who quit the WWE a couple months ago? OK ...
Biff's Record: 23-37 last two weeks (NCAA Tournament picks), 46-61 lifetime. Must be rough bein' named after a complete butthead.