The Taste of Modern Warfare in a 12 Ounce Can

Me and Johnson crept through the underbrush like we'd be born there, natural predators in our element, the scent of blood luring us further into enemy territory. Further into a trap.

One minute the jungle was quiet, the next it erupted in the roar of gunfire and the triumphant shouts of the enemy platoon as we self-styled masters of stealth crashed through the foliage. We ran for what seemed like hours, until our pursuers were just the rustling of leaves somewhere in the darkness. We collapsed to the ground, coughing and wheezing. It was only then that I noticed the blood.

Johnson had his arm wrapped tightly around his stomach, but it wasn't enough to keep his life from seeping away. I cradled him in my arms as the light slowly left his eyes. It was then, just before his last breath, that he whispered the words that will haunt me the rest of my days.

"This tastes just like cherry citrus."

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Even if you've never let a drop of the strangely fluorescent green liquid pass your lips, playing video games immediately identifies you to the general public as someone that enjoys the delicious citrus-ish taste of Mountain Dew. Once marketed as the extreme beverage for extreme people participating in extreme activities, someone at Pepsi finally realized that none of these highly physical activities would be possible if these extreme people spent all their time downing syrupy-sweet soda 12 ounces at a time.

That's where gamers come in. We enjoy extreme things, but our sort of extreme lends itself well to sitting on the couch pumping high fructose corn syrup, citric acid, sodium benzoate, and "natural flavors" into our systems at a dangerously unhealthy rate. It's not particularly good for us, but we're stuck with it.

Since gaming and Mountain Dew have become such close advertising buddies, the marketeers at Pepsi have been having fun rolling out special flavors for special gaming occasions.

The most notorious instance of this was Mountain Dew Game Fuel, rolled out for the launch of Halo 3. It was the orange drank of Mountain Dew, cheap and nasty. I drank a ton of it during the New York City Halo 3 launch, and I'm not sure I've ever really recovered.

And then there was the World of Warcraft Mountain Dew, Horde Red and Alliance Blue. They tasted, as one would expect, red and blue.

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There was no time to react. No time to react for anyone but Simmons, that is.

There we were, picking through our meager rations, shooting the shit — you know, just winding down after a long day of staring off into the distance and seeing nothing — when we heard the telltale thud of an enemy grenade against the hard-packed ground. Some of us immediately dived for cover. Others froze in place. But Simmons? Simmons was a hero.

He dove on top of that little metal globe like it was a long lost lover, eyes closed and lips moving silently, probably whispering sweet nothings to some imaginary woman back home. Saying his last goodbyes.

The next thing we knew, Simmons was gone, and it was raining sparkling citrus juice with a hint of tropical flavor. That was Simmons.

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Now it's Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3's turn to be a featured soft drink flavor. Pepsi has stuck with the Game Fuel name this time around, but instead of fancy nicknames we simply get two different flavors: Cherry Citrus and Tropical. Uninspired, kinda like Modern Warfare 3.

The Taste of Modern Warfare in a 12 Ounce Can

I'd say the Cherry Citrus flavor is for the good guys and the Tropical is for the enemy, mainly because the figure on the green can has his face concealed, while the man on the red can wears a grim look of acceptance, the kind of looks Pepsi and Activision marketing folks imagine the good guys should be wearing on soda cans.

Or maybe I'm misreading his micro-expressions (Thanks for nothing, Lie to Me), and he's really just angry that his can only contains the same orange-colored Game Fuel from the Halo 3 days, itself a slightly retooled version of Mountain Dew Code Red, a regular variety of the soft drink, one that most fans of the brand got sick of years ago. When it first came out I must have consumed a two-liter a day for two weeks. That's why these days it's a taste I associate with vomit, loneliness, and EverQuest.

So yeah, not exactly a shining recommendation there.

Now that I think about it, there could be a more practical reason for the green can guy to be hiding his face. His tropical-infused flavor tastes a great deal like Mountain Dew Baja Blast, a flavor exclusive to Taco Bell restaurants. They've changed the color somewhat, making it look a little more like antifreeze and less like windshield wiper fluid, but the taste is pretty damn close. I don't blame the guy for hiding his face. Those Taco Bell executives can be vicious.

And that's the taste of Modern Warfare 3. I've nearly finished two cans of the two 12 packs I purchased, and all I have to show for it is a sickening aftertaste and some bonus XP.

I'm feeling pretty extreme right about now. Wooo. *falls over*

Mountain Dew Modern Warfare 3 Game Fuel

Price: Varies by Store and Size, Available in 16oz 20oz Bottles and 12oz Cans (Man, you guys pick at everything!)
Availability: Everywhere Gamers Seek Fuel
Suggested pairings: Battlefield 3, Medal of Honor, Halo: Combat Evolved Anniversary Edition


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