Tearing into my first bite of Jimmy Dean Pancakes & Sausage on a Stick reminded me of an idea that came to me while I was unemployed. It also reminded me of being unemployed, but that's another story.
The idea was something called the Chicken Donut. Basically I'd take a shell donut like the kind that are filled with custard and instead fill it with condensed cream of chicken spooge, which I have been known to eat by the spoonful on occasion. The Chicken Donut would combine sweet and savory in ways never before imagined.
But my test audience just couldn't accept the flavor of chicken in something with a barely congealed texture. The surprise of biting into what looks like a lemon or raspberry doughnut and getting a mouthful of original recipe would not be appealing, I was told more than once.
"No, that's disgusting," said my brother, who has eaten plenty of disgusting things, including a bolus. That's the clinical term for a wad of chewed-up food. That I chewed.
"Chewed-up food," is also, fittingly, how this buckwheat-dog tastes, in both texture and in the mishmash of flavors it delivers as the "pancake" reverts to sloppy batter inside your mouth. The whole thing is done in four bites, tops, which makes it perfect for today's on-the-go lumberjack. It is also clocks in at 230 calories per stick, nearly half from fat. Oof.
Lots of folks have had fun with Pancakes & Sausage on a Stick as a rather egregious symbol of American convenience and a nation slouching toward diabetes. There are two additional flavors, chocolate chip and blueberry, which seem not to care about that kind of image. (They only had "original" when I spied the box at my Target.)
I'm not much of a breakfast guy but then, you can eat breakfast for lunch or dinner or way after midnight. The obsolescence it imposes on utensils also makes me inclined to view it as a tasty snack rather than anything that's going to start my day.
I think my biggest letdown comes from the name of the product itself. This looks damn for sure like a corn dog, if a bit smaller. Even after nuking it, it barely gave off any aroma of batter or maple. You could fool the hell out of someone with this, much like I wanted to with the Chicken Donut.
Yet if you're the one buying them, there's no surprise at all, thanks to the give-up of a name they gave it. Instead of something like, I don't know, Cakedog, or Flapjaxx, it's just "Pancakes & Sausage on a Stick." Kind of puts a spoiler right there in the title, don't you think?
Then again, Jimmy Dean would probably have a hard time selling "***** and ***** on a Stick."
Price: Varies by store. I got a dozen for six bucks.
Availability: Your supermarket's frozen section or wherever fine trucker food is sold.
Suggested pairings: Kane & Lynch: Dead Men. Antacid.