A Rip-Roaring, Rhyming Hands-On With Saints Row: The Third

So that was when I took the wheel,
as bullets pinged and tires squealed,
I weighed the odds and my heart sank:
my street sweeper vs. their armored tank.

No turning back! No sad retreat!
Just onward, come victory or defeat!
I pressed the gas; his turret swung
and blew my ass to Kingdom Come.

(But then, what did I expect?
'Twas I who started this whole mess.
It wasn't even a story mission
when I beat that old lady into submission)

Okay, hang on, I should back up
and clarify the setting.
I'm playing this upcoming game
rife with death and bloodletting.

A zany open-worlder
that flips GTA the bird;
maybe you know of what I speak?
Volition's Saints Row: The Third.

We've run a lot of coverage here,
and it's looked a wild time,
but I finally got to play it,
and it inspired me… to rhyme.

A Rip-Roaring, Rhyming Hands-On With Saints Row: The Third

First things first: the engine's new,
and yeah, it really shows.
The characters have substance
and the driving really goes.

(Though the framerate's kinda spotty,
overall it's none-too-shoddy.)


The whole thing's not as weighty
as a Rockstar game might do,
but it's also not as floaty
as Saints Row 1 or 2.

(And the character animations
look pretty great, to boot.)

Story mode looks much the same—
it's all about claiming land.
The city of Steelport up for grabs
as your territory expands.

(Though one small difference kinda rocks:
From the start, the story's unlocked.
You don't have to earn respect
to play it through from start to end.)

A Rip-Roaring, Rhyming Hands-On With Saints Row: The Third

You can customize your character
with tons of knobs and dials;
from skin to hair to ink to clothes,
there's options tame and wild.

I made a chick, as I tend to do,
and gave her skin that was a radiant blue;
she wore a bright red tank-top, too,
and on her face: a leopard tattoo.

Finally! I can do my killin'
Looking like a super-villain.
(Though one of the makeup options isn't so nice:
two black eyes, called "Told her twice.")

With my avatar selected,
I hit the street and, undirected,
started shooting guys in green
(I assumed they weren't on my team).

Turns out I was right,
I had picked a little fight
with the local gangster corps,
masked wrestlers called "The Luchadores."

A Rip-Roaring, Rhyming Hands-On With Saints Row: The Third

Many cars, they got exploded
many guns were locked and loaded
as the body count did climb,
I was having a frickin' great time!

But alas, all things must end,
and they put one in my head.
Woah, the screen went all groovy crimson
death was saturated red.

Starting fresh! Time for a mission!
I was faced with a decision:
Do I get paid to maraud,
or try my hand at insurance fraud?

I went with the former option,
quickly driving, making tracks
towards a television program called
"Professor Genki's Super Ethical Reality Climax"

A Rip-Roaring, Rhyming Hands-On With Saints Row: The Third

They say it's like The Running Man,
You get paid to blam blam blam,
though in truth it's pretty crude:
You're in a warehouse, shooting dudes.

Back on the street I find my feet
and bid Genki adieu.
It's time to open my arsenal up
and see what these puppies can do

The requisite machine guns,
pistols, shotguns, and grenades,
are augmented by some seriously
intense destruction-aids.

First there's the Mollusk Launcher,
which turns a foe into a friend.
And once they're fighting for you
you can detonate their head!

(It's wonderfully abusive,
but also, it's a pre-order exclusive.)

Melee weapons there are plenty,
Apoca-Fists make quite a splat,
and the funniest inclusion
is the dildo baseball-bat.

A Rip-Roaring, Rhyming Hands-On With Saints Row: The Third

There's a reaper drone on hand
that'll kill whomever you like,
and for armored cars and tanks
call in an SA3 Airstrike!

Perhaps the funniest new thing
to do when tearing up the town
is rush an enemy and hit "attack"
for a unique, flying takedown.

(That's not everything they've got;
each weapon also has a custom nut-shot.)

So in the Saints Row Tradition,
I got in a bunch of fights,
bitch-slapped a guy in a mascot costume,
tossed civilians left and right.

Mind-controlled a group of cops
then blew them up; they didn't stop.
Pretty soon the scene got grim,
as the army rolled on in.

Helicopters then, and tanks,
Armored cars along my flank.
I was a blue leopard-lady on the run,
and unbelievably, was outgunned.

So I grabbed that old street sweeper
and set forth to meet the Reaper;
and as their tank blew me away,
I thought, "Damn. This game is great."

It's the silliness I like,
dildo-bats and huge airstrikes.
It's a world filled with distractions,
where chaos is the main attraction.

I've played Saints Row games a lot,
and this one outdoes them all.
I can't wait to play some more
when Saints Row: The Third launches later this fall.


You can contact Kirk Hamilton, the author of this post, at kirk@kotaku.com. You can also find him on Twitter, Facebook, and lurking around our #tips page.