This here's the tale of a fella who calls himself "Mork Encino." Mork, he has faith in his skills as they apply to both eludin' and survivin'. He launched a website about it on June 20. It's called "Hunt Me 4 Sport." As of last night, there were 21 pictures of him sporting overalls in various poses. Hiding behind a trees or brush. Showing off his new red "ear wear." Sitting in a "strategic fetal position."
Then, there's the offer:
I seek hearty gents who fancy themselves sportsmen and bored of the usual game. I am a new breed of prey with thick pelt and smooth hide. I'm faster than a wild turkey, smart as any GODDAMN wild boar and willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for the monetary health of my family.
If I am trapped and killed you stand to earn the RESPECT of your fellow hunters, a PRIZE HUMAN MOUNT for your wall and ALL INCOME from any organ harvest. For this I ask the reasonable sum of $10,000 US DOLLARS per hunter/per round.
I will be armed only with my wits and the clothes on my back (naked is + $2,000 US/per hunter/per round). A round is a days (24 hrs) hunt. I will not attempt self-defense. I will only seek to evade capture. In the event of my demise ALL payment will default to my family.
Yes, if Mork is to be believed, he has offered himself up as hunting prey for a mere $10K (fine, $12K, because anybody in their right mind would throw an extra $2K up for naked game). Yet, between the goofy looking pictures and the absurdity of not placing a larger price on one's own head, Mork is not to be easily believed. I asked him to make his case last week.
The interaction was solely over email since a phoner would be a location giveaway and "I don't want some crazy asshole showing up and blowing me away for free or bothering my parents or bringing over a Bible or anything like that. Someone told my mom about all this and now she is scared straight shitless so I gotta be careful."
He's 28. Puts his location as "East Coast USA" (the brush looks somewhat Carolinian). Says he's doing it because he needs cash badly. "I live with my parents but they are always threatening to toss me out on my ass especially after a bender or any gambling so I am SINCERELY trying to cut way down on all that," he writes, noting that a) he doesn't want to take his mom up on her join-the-army/enroll-in-massage-school suggestion and b) he doesn't "have a wife or anything" and realizes/blames that on the fact that "Woman like money!"
I have never been any good with money but that's ok cause I never had any. I did some landscaping and I worked fast food and got lit in the walk in freezer and all that. I did some farm work. I cleaned out storage units. For a while I was on a demo crew but then everyone stopped work on their houses. So I've basically been a full time loser for over a year now.
Mork says he's gotten 10 or so responses; one guy wanted to write up a contract to "keep it all legal ... another made a joke about my appearance ... but no one has come out and said, 'Let's do this' or 'How can I help you young man?'" This included the respondent who wrote, "I have a 50 cal, ak 47 and about 12 pounds of dynamite." To ensure potential hunters don't get discouraged by what would appear to be his home-range advantage, he also included photos of amenities: "Location is secure & ATV friendly. Smokehouse and grill ON SITE."
So, this is legitimately life-or-death and not just some paintball shit, right?
I'm pretty sure no one would pay anything CLOSE to 10K to chase me around with anything less. That's a steep goddamn price for that type of soft action. I wouldn't expect any offers for that bullshit.
Would I rather be hunted with paintballs or rubber bullets or something like that? SURE. Laser tag all the way. But I doubt we'd be talking if that's what I put out there.
I don't have any control over who answers. It could be some Green Beret motherfucker with a necklace made out of ears or it could be some fat idiot. Bet your ass I'd rather face off against the fat idiot. Seems like there are alot of fat idiots out there that do ok these days bless their hearts.
If you were loaded, would you pay $10,000 to hunt some broke dude?
No I would not, but that's not a position I expect I'll ever see. I'm not one of these poor assholes who admires rich dickheads and thinks everything is going to work out all dandy in the end. This country is run by criminals. Good for them. But you gotta give people what they want and if they pay up you have to deliver the goods. If somebody wants to give me money to do something else, by all means buddy I would love to hear from you but so far that just has not been the case.
That's noble and insightful, but is Mork's website offer even legal? I asked an attorney and lawman who was once Chief of the (NYP)Department and commissioner in both Philadelphia and Miami. They both raised questions.
Sounds like a ham-fisted version of Kevorkian assisted suicide. Speaking of which, I have no idea what the status of assisted suicide is in Pennsylvania [ed: explicitly criminalized]. Solicitation to commit murder is a no-no, for sure, but consent is a valid defense in criminal prosecutions, so it might be kosher. But I'd just as soon advise someone to stay the hell away from the whole thing. The whole thing looks like an Andy Kaufman hoax to me.
If John Timoney came across a case like this ...
I would have the guy tested for mental reasons; should he be committed, etc. There would be an outside chance of a charge of 'conspiracy to commit murder' but you would need an 'overt act.' I guess if someone come up with the 10 grand that could be considered an 'overt act.'
Which brings it back around to an interesting question for Mork: Why should we believe this isn't some standard, albeit entertaining, hoax?
Hand over 10 grand and see what goes down. The website works. The email works. Look if someone made good with the cash and bagged me then you have your proof that this thing was legit. But I'd bet that guy probably wouldn't be running his mouth all over town about it and I won't be around to update the site. I'm not saying that's what I want to happen.
If all of this fizzles away because of potential illegality/lack of willing hunters/it being a hoax, Mork does have a golden-parachute option. Asked what the high point of his life would be in, say, a eulogy, he responded, "That one time I went to Lake Powell. That was a fucking BLAST. A houseboat on Lake Powell would be the goddamn TITS. If anyone needs a Lake Powell houseboat sitter, email firstname.lastname@example.org!"
HUNT ME FOR SPORT [Mork Encino]