With Ridley Scott's suspected Alien prequel, Prometheus, in production, it's time to look back and ask: What does your favorite Alien movie say about you? The answers may surprise you!
If the you're a fan of the first Alien, you respond to the cold, dark world of the unknown. It drives you like the Nostromo, plowing through the big black of space. You like your horror Paxton-free, there's no time for humor when people are dying. You also may have a few trust issues, as you should. Is this just a regular dinner, or will this meal end with one of your mates strewn across the table? Thankfully this also makes you a bit of a survivor. When the end-of-the-world is nigh, you're the best equipped to make the big decisions. Who's going up in the air-shaft to find out what's making all that racket? Not you. A cat lover, you have a calm that propels every decision, even in the face of unthinkable madness.
You believe that high art can be found inside an action film. You appreciate the difference between Predator and Armageddon, and that while both are laden with cheese, long speeches, and a crew of lovable misfits, one is actually a good film (Predator). Although you are more than willing to argue the merits of film like Starship Troopers (and you will win that conversation every time).
Stuck in a firefight, you know the proper cliched characters to surround yourself with so you'll be the last one standing. You believe in shooting first, and asking questions later. But beneath it all beats the heart of a loner just looking for a stoic Michael Biehn-type and a wild child to settle down and start a family with.
You believe in the cult of nothingness. Just like there is no escape from the Xenomorphs for the prisoner monks, there is no escape for you either. The world is a bleak place. Love, family, hope, it's all just waiting to be thrown into the fire. What is the use in taming the love from a feral child or rescuing potential mate Hicks, when life will just murder them while you sleep? You are not a glass-is-half-empty kind of person. You are a half-a-Lance-Henriksen kind of person. Sure, every once in a while there's time for a bald-headed romp with another doomed inmate (inmate of life, that is) but not even a wise, bespectacled black Jesus can save you. In the end, we're all just meat for the festering monster asleep in our guts.
Oh, you odd duck. If Alien Resurrection truly is your favorite Alien film, you are a special type of cinephile (who has probably used that term in a non-sarcastic manner). No camera pan, CG, color, or character quip is lost on you. You have an affinity for foreign films. While watching Alien Resurrection you'll comment at length about the color palette of Delicatessen or the visuals of The City of Lost Children (but may not comment about the actual plot). You may also be a little adventurous in the sack (i.e. you'd be much more willing to go to dark places with a xenomorph, but would probably kill the evidence before anyone found out).
While the Alien 3 fan finds solace in the cold dark nothingness of life, you believe that creation begins in that bleak empty nothingness. Just like the alien/human spawn that is able to generate 10 times its size from thin air. You see beauty in the broken (and trick basketball shots). But deep inside, you know it must be destroyed. You know you must be destroyed, which is why you probably torture yourself by watching Alien Resurrection.
Alien Vs. Predator
Hey, movies are confusing, we get that. Sometimes it's just more fun to watch a video game. If AVP is your favorite Alien movie, you might be a bit of a rule breaker or game changer. But not necessarily in an good way. For example, "Hey did you hear that Joel broke into the High School last night and smashed up the science lab?" "Yeah, he's fucking nuts."
Perhaps you played a lot of DOOM as a kid, or you're really into mazes or puzzles with no rhyme or reason. You have little respect for stodgy legacies or stuffy mythologies. Rules were meant to be broken — you might even have that saying on a T-shirt somewhere which you ironically drag out of the closet from time to time.
Alien Vs. Predator: Requiem
You like your vagina metaphors up front and proper, and shoved right down your throat (literally). Also, you enjoy seeing films get shit-canned.
Special thanks to Jonathan Wilkins.