Let's face it. If sweet science fictional rides like Airwolf or KITT actually existed, laymen like us wouldn't get first dibs. No, we'd probably get saddled with whatever comically impractical vehicles the Tony Starks of the world don't scoop up.
Assuming that the most outlandish transports are someday available to consumers, here's a (not actually) peer-reviewed test designed to determine which science fictional conveyance is right for you. And no, neither the Millennium Falcon nor Serenity are amongst your options. We're talking the Pintos of speculative fiction.
What tunes do you crank when you put the pedal to the medal?
(A) Cold Slither
(B) Duran Duran
(C) The theme song to the forgotten game show Chain Reaction
(D) "Slow Jamz" by Kanye West
(E) Generic 1980s elevator music
(F) The Rolling Stones (but nothing before Steel Wheels or after Voodoo Lounge)
You are buying an automobile. What additions do you splurge on?
(A) Herpetological themed detailing
(B) Vodka cooler and diddling couch
(C) Plutonium engine
(D) Supercilious GPS
(E) Rocket launcher and jump jets
(F) Champagne fridge
Which of these vehicles sounds most like your dream vehicle?
(A) Anything made by Hasbro
(B) That stupid invisible car from Die Another Day
(C) The Love Boat
(D) The Discovery One
(E) Street Hawk
(F) A Good Humor truck that only serves Cristal
What's your greatest fear?
(A) Knowing (because it's half the battle)
(B) Christopher Walken
(D) A box office gross that gives studio execs angina
(E) Being mistaken for "that Chuck Norris movie"
(F) Dystopian futures that already happened and Buster Poindexter
Describe yourself in one word.
Now, simply add up whatever letter popped up the most. In case of a tie, flip a coin or consult a fortune teller.
If you chose mostly (A), you'll want Serpentor's Air Chariot from G.I Joe The Movie (1987)
You are destined to tool around on a conveyance that is 1/2 standing desk, 1/2 Alice Cooper stage prop. You're looking for a vehicle that is all flash (lasers a-go-go) and zero substance (no seatbelts or laser-proof shielding). You rely on sheer intimidation factor to achieve your goals (you dress like a showgirl at the Las Vegas Luxor), not practicality (you're a human projectile once this ride hits 50 MPH).
If you chose mostly (B), you'll want the iceberg submarine from A View to a Kill (1985)
You value discretion, luxury, and comfort. Who wouldn't want their own floating love motel shaped like a glacier? On the flip side, your love of ice-shaped marinecraft prevents you from exiting your comfort zone. There's nothing covert about your ride in Pismo Beach, super spy.
If you chose mostly (C), you'll want Supertrain (1979)
Supertrain was an awful Seventies drama about an LA-NYC nuclear-powered locomotive filled with dance clubs and malls. People boarded the giant train and brought their annoying drama with them, thus making the show The Love Boat on an ICBM with a discotheque. Supertrain was on the air slightly longer than Manimal.
If you chose mostly (D), you'll want Stealth (2005)
Stealth, which was one of the biggest bombs of 2005, was like Top Gun minus the volleyball scenes and plus an experimental fighter jet who gains sentience thanks to a lightning strike. So yeah, Top Gun — "Playing with the Boys" + Short Circuit = one of the finest bad films of the modern era. If you chose Stealth, you probably sat through 7th Heaven simply to ogle Jessica Biel.
If you chose mostly (E), you'll want the motorcycle from Megaforce (1982)
This underrated cinematic marvel featured the Delta MK 4 Megafighter motorcycle, a superbike that could fly and sported handlebar-mounted rocket launchers. If chose this ride, you're probably wearing a sweet terrorism-fighting leotard right now.
If you chose mostly (F), you'll want the Champagnemobile from Freejack (1992)
The coach from The Mighty Ducks is ripped out of the past into the hellish year of 2009, where a ruthless bounty hunter known as Vacendak the Bonejacker (Mick Jagger) hunts him. Why? Vacendak needs to encode a dying rich guy's brain into Emilio's supple, time-displaced body. At one point, Emilio highjacks a champagne delivery truck, which is the dystopian elite's version of the neighborhood milkman.
Top image via Brian's Toys.