The Onion Connects Excessive Madden Play To Brain Damage

Examining MRIs and PET scans of Madden football veterans, scientists discovered severely damaged neural pathways in parts of the brain associated with motivation and attention, malformations that might explain the common inability among players to perform such basic tasks as maintaining hygiene and preparing meals for themselves.

so reports joke news outlet The Onion, as inspired by real Madden safety news.