The Harvard Lampoon Skewers Twilight, Sega

In The Harvard Lampoon's literary parody Nightlight, potential vampire Edwart Mullen warns the naive Belle Goose that he won't always be around to protect her from Sega.

Bookstore gift certificates are wonderful things. My older brother gave one of them to me for Christmas, which I used to purchase several fine publications. I picked up the first trade paperback for Y the Last Man, a copy of How to Draw Hell Beasts, so I could finally stop drawing halos and angel wings on my hell beasts, and I still had several dollars left. Wandering about the store, my girlfriend and I passed the obligatory table filled with Twilight-related merchandise, at which point my better half picked up a book and squealed.

At this point I was sure I had accidentally switched girlfriends with someone else in the store.

But no, the book she had picked up was The Harvard Lampoon's Nightlight, a parody of Twilight featuring star-crossed lovers Belle Goose and Edwart Mullen. Despite the silly names, it's actually quite good, in a horribly bad sort of way. I know this because it's currently the only book in my bathroom. That's how I learned that vampires hate Sega.

In the movie, Edward rescues Bella from potential rapists after she leaves a bookstore. In the book, she leaves a video game store without the controller she purchased, prompting a grizzled old man to follow her into a dark alley, trying to give her the item purchased. In the nick of time, Edwart leaps from a rooftop to scare the old man away.

"Are you okay?" he asked.
"Yeah - why wouldn't I be okay?"
"Are you serious, Belle? Were you not aware of what that sick old man was trying to do?" He shook his head, seething. "You're lucky I was on the roof all day. That old man . . .he was trying to sell you a Sega product."
"What were you doing waiting for me on a roof all day?" I asked, watching his knuckles whiten at his own reference to Sega.

It turns out that Edwart was watching Mercury through his telescope and just happened to be in the right place at the right time. The near brush with Sega, however, brings out the passion in the pale young man.

"Promise me you'll never walk out in these streets alone again, Belle." His face contorted in fitful rage. Suddenly he rolled down his window and shouted, "She plays Nintendo!" He inhaled deeply. "Play Nintendo," he breathed out. "I won't always be here to keep you safe from Sega."

And that, as you can imagine, is where love blossoms.

You can find Nightlight wherever relatively horrible yet hilarious parody books are sold.