Playboy Teases Us With the Ultimate Coulda-Been GameS

Tucked in this Playboy profile of a con man who ripped off the Pentagon is this tantalizing nugget: A company claimed to be working on an adaptation of Road House, the 1989 Patrick Swayze vehicle and Cinemax staple.

Although Dennis Montgomery's life stacks up like the classic tale of bullshit that follows a bona fide grifter, I can actually believe his "eTreppid Technologies" might have been working on this game. Well, make that I want to believe they were working on this game. I'm on the record saying there are two movies that simply must be adapted: The first is "They Live," which needs no explanation. The second is this very movie, Road House, from Swayze's apogee as a well-groomed man of few words and many graceful methods of making some burly dickbag eat them. With a side of fist.

Those who've seen it know what I'm talking about. Road House essentially played like a video game. It's got a definite mission structure - the first big establishing throwdown, Dalton cleaning up the bar, his opening skirmishes with Wesley's goons and helping out terrorized businesses. Goddamn Sam Elliott of all people showing up to help out busting up the liquor blockade. (Elliott would have to narrate this sucker.) You'd play him in the first of two big boss battles with Marshall Teague (the second including the fateful, "I used to fuck guys like you in prison," line). Plus it's got a monster truck destroying a car dealership and that big stupid ass polar bear at the end. The multiplayer is a no-brainer, either a cooperative bouncers-vs.-yahoos setup, or a competitive free-for-all bar fight. Plus a ton of side-missions where you, as Dalton, just go beating ass galore at the Double Deuce, in jeans, black collared shirt and panty-creaming mullet. Five stars, rated M for Mature. Joe Bob says check it out.

The toughest negotiations in acquiring the license might be with the late Swayze's estate, but that was a guy who could laugh at himself, and who knew sometimes you had to pay the bills. And he also accounts for two songs on the soundtrack, so you know the rest of the original cheesebag music would probably cost like a dollar ninety-five. Done with a wink and a nod (and a smirk) that game is an 11 on the ironic-impulse-purchase-o-meter. It would eat platinum and shit diamonds. Someone has to make it happen.

Oh, the rest of this magazine article is kind of interesting. It's Playboy but the links are all SFW, unless you can't have that domain name in your browser history.

The Man Who Conned the Pentagon [Playboy, thanks Matthew H.]