Kotaku Robot Wars Round 2: The Quickening

The first round of Kotaku's Robot Wars have left four U.S. cities in ruins and four video game robots nothing more than mounds of melted plastic and metal. Who survived to fight again?

Well that all depends on who you ask. As we mentioned yesterday, we're doing this three ways. The actual outcomes have been determined by random number tumbling, with you, the readers, placing your predictions up against Crecente's automated R2-D2, which is using the randomly running over scraps of paper method of prediction. In the end, we'll not only know who is the top video game robot, but also a heartwarming tale of man's triumph over machine, or vice versa.

Why the official results are randomized: Some of you seem confused by why your votes are being ignored, so lets explain it a little more clearly. The winners have been predetermined by random number crunching. What we are voting on now is who we predict will win. Then we compare that to the predictions made by Crecente's robot, to determine which is better, human intuition or random robot hijinx. It's a war within a war. If we were to go solely on popularity, Monday's poll would have had Optimus winning, and this would all be over now. Moving on!

Let's take a look at the results of round 1!

Kotaku Robot Wars Round 2: The Quickening

How You Voted
First, we'll run down how you folks voted as of the writing of this post.

Optimus Prime VS. Dog
Optimus Prime: 64% (2917 votes)
Dog: 36% (1651 votes)
Winner: Optimus Prime

Mega Man VS. HK-47
Mega Man: 60% (2676 votes)
HK-47: 40% (1798 votes)
Winner: Mega Man

Portal Turrets VS. Kos-Mos
Portal Turrets: 50% (2219 votes)
Kos-Mos: 50% (2256 votes)
Winner: Kos-Mos by the skin of her teeth

Robo VS. Fruit Fucker 2000
Robo: 42% (1865 votes)
Fruit Fucker 2000: 58% (2527 votes)
Winner: Fruit Fucker 2000

How R2-D2 Voted

Using its powerful randomly running around ability, Crecente's R2-D2 robot picked Optimus Prime, Kos-Mos, Mega Man, and Fruit Fucker 2000. So both the robot team and the human team had the same picks.

And they were both half-right.

The Official, Randomized Results

In Los Angeles, Kos-Mos senses the dangerous Portal Turrets before they sense her, blasting them into bits and taking a good-sized chunk of the Los Angeles Convention Center with them in the process. Optimus Prime and Half-Life 2's Dog smash through downtown New York City, leveling buildings left and right until Optimus gently puts Dog down with a laser sword to the head. In San Francisco, Mega Man's buster proves an insufficient weapon against Knights of the Old Republic's resident homicidal droid, with HK-47 stopping at a junkyard to sell the blue bomber's parts for scrap, killing the junkyard owner and several curious dogs in the process. Finally, in scenic Raleigh, North Carolina, Chrono Trigger's Robo patiently waits for the Fruit Fucker to stop trying to have sex with him, eventually losing patience and crushing him like a can of vending machine fruit juice.

The remaining robots sense that the key to returning to their own realities lies in the transponders high atop Kotaku Towers. Unfortunately their battles have taken out the towers in New York, San Francisco, Colorado, Los Angeles, and Raleigh (that one was made of sticks), so they now turn their attentions to the other side of the globe...

Results So Far

With both human and robot predictions being exactly the same, the human race and machines are now tied at 50% accuracy each. Perhaps round 2 will change things up a bit.

Round 2, Fight!

Kotaku Robot Wars Round 2: The Quickening


OPTIMUS PRIME VS. HK-47
Feeling a deep ancestral pull to the land of the rising sun, Optimus Prime makes his way across the ocean, making a beeline for the Japanese branch of Kotaku Tower. Unbeknownst to him, HK-47 bought a plane ticket with the money he made scrapping Mega Man and is on his way to the tower himself, after stopping by a store for some gashapon.

Kotaku Robot Wars Round 2: The Quickening


KOS-MOS VS. ROBO
Wary of the reception that a blue-haired, scantily clad anime girl would receive in Japan, Kos-Mos instead makes a pilgrimage to the Canberra, Australia branch of Kotaku Tower, somehow missing the giant Chrono Trigger robot plodding along behind her.