The Onion Outlines GTA IV's New Features

When I say that every major news outlet had stories about Grand Theft Auto IV last week, I mean every major news outlet, including venerable parody news site and internet staple The Onion, who took some time to inform their readers of the new features in Rockstar's latest entry in the series. My personal favorite, which hits quite close to home...

Though it doesn't affect the game at all, your character is severely afraid of spiders
See, before I couldn't identify with Nico, but now it's like we were separated at birth or something. Also, great news for those of you who don't enjoy all of the violent combat...
You have the choice to stay in Liberty City or drive to the suburbs of New Jersey, where you can earn a degree or learn a trade
See? GTA IV has something for everyone!

Grand Theft Auto IV Hits Stores [The Onion via TBBPS]