Following the earlier freak out, the contest winner was announced. And now that everybody's had a chance to chill out, here are the mission answers — If anything, just to piss you off. They are:

Mission #1
Mission #2
Mission #3
Mission #4 (Answer: 16 cone hats)
Mission #5: Flynn, Fahey and Luke

See, counting makes cheating harder. Oh! That reminds me: When we announced the contest, we stated:

Anyone who posts answers on Kotaku or anywhere on the internet will be banned and made an example of.

Several individuals in the comments section mentioned how they cheated their way through the contest. I've been mean enough for one week, so I won't insert their names here, but know, they have been booted. To everyone who didn't cheat and got screwed over by the cone hats, much love and respect. It was fun. For me. Brian Ashcraft

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