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Ever since Seanbaby placed it in the echelon of Worst NES Games of All Time, Wally Bear and the No Gang has enjoyed a certain degree of infamy. The Angry Nintendo Nerd reviewed it. So did Destructoid. And all the while, I've been here at the sidelines screaming, "Why don't any of you guys mention the 1-800 number?"
I'm sick of everyone paying attention to the execrable game, which does not give a single second of amusement, and ignoring this darling recording that still dustily unspools on an ancient answering machine housed in the damp basement of some small Maryland parish. Wally Bear's anti-drug hotline has been up and running for almost twenty years now and it provides thousands of times more amusement.
Always wondered what Wally Bear and the other members of the 'No' gang sound like? Call 1-800-HI-WALLY. It's toll free, don't fret. The first thing you will notice is the obnoxious "dudical!" timber of Wally Bear's California skateboarder voice. "Hello hello hello, it's me, WALLY BEAR!" Wally Bear always says his name as if that particular phonemical combination tumbling off his tongue spontaneously triggers him to orgasm. Therefore, he says it as much as possible. Hey, who wouldn't, if his loins were hooked up to his vocal chords?
I can't quite do the entire call justice, but for a special treat, pound 8 to hear Recycle Man answer the age old question: "What kind of harm can spit tobacco?" Gay Gamer, take note: Recycle Man ought to be your new mascot: he speaks entirely in a theatrical, trilling baritone. Perhaps predictably, Recycle Man is against spit tobacco, or as he says...
It has many names... chewing tobacco, chew, spitting tobacco, spit, SNUFF... but I like to call it crud. No matter what you call it, it's tobacco... just like the tobacco found in our-r-r-r-r a-r-r-r-r-ch enemy, THEEE SEE-GA-R-R-R-R-ETTE! People actually cram this crud in their mouth and suck on it!
Don't thank me for this Monday Morning, toll-free time waster. Thanks the hipster, soul-patch sporting socialists I used to work with at The Coolidge Corner Theater, who brought it to my attention when I was a fresh, dreamy-eyed popcorn jockey, many moons ago, in a kingdom by the sea.
