Crecente got on the intercom a few weeks ago and spluttered out something about Gamefest, a Windows-based gamedev conference happening in the Seattle quadrant.

"Get me a picture of Spiderman by the end of the day or you're fired!" he screamed, and hung up.

Crumbs, chief. This Fest of Games, as it is colloquially known, was particularly appealing to our rugged editor primarily for Microsoft's Monday-morning keynote speech, or so we thought.

During my Sunday-night preparations for the reportage of the "fresh haps" announced in this keynote, the continuous dot-matrix skreel from my Magical Feed Machine increased to an eardrum-leaking pitch: the big announcement had been made already, possibly over post-prandial bacon cupcakes at the pre-event dinner.

A new service/development solution for indie devs called XNA Game Studio Express. And what was worse, full reports of the thing were already propagating rapidly across all channels. Fuck! My feature story!

Talking on the eve of its Gamefest event in Seattle, Microsoft has revealed XNA Game Studio Express, a new product which will allow indie developers and students to develop simultaneously on Xbox 360 and PC, and share their games to others in a new Xbox 360 'Creators Club'.

The details of the new tech are as follows: XNA Game Studio Express will be available for free to anyone with a Windows XP-based PC, and will provide them with what's described as "Microsoft's next-generation platform for game development." In addition, by joining a "creators club" for an annual subscription fee of $99, users will be able to build, test and share their games on Xbox 360, as well as access a wealth of materials to help speed the game development progress.

Beleaguered by disappointment, the ghost of my snuffed feature trailing behind me like stink, I drove my Rascal down to the Washington Convention and Trade Center at dawn and prepared to listen to the keynote anyway.

Second gallery and even more text after the jump.

Since the specifics are available in far better detail elsewhere, I will give you my impressions of the presentation and the impressions I gleaned from other attendees.

Overall, it's immensely pleasing that such an apparently powerful tool is being provided for, nay, targeted at the wee developers. The example of "three guys in college" was used relentlessly.

However, as with all bar-lowering applications, this is going to let in more riffraff than talent. A quick glance at NewGrounds will tell you that any "community" of this type has to exist in a crippled state, dragged down by the lowest common denominator. The reward is that out of all this creeping muck, one or two truly incredible gems may surface and redeem the whole business. We'll see.

As an aside, one of the games used to demo the cross-platform capabilities, however, was Shadowrun. The room almost audibly groaned when the footage started to run. I talked later to several people about the game's massive failure to be at all interesting. Most of them had been drinking, and got visibly upset when the word "Shadowrun" was spoken aloud. That thing does not deserve the bear that skully logo.

After availing myself of the breakfast buffet leftovers, and then quelling the resulting gut pain with hardcore tea, I sat down in one of the sunny indoor patios and made some notes. A well-dressed group next to me leaned over and provided me with a printed invitation to the LucasArts pre-party, which I accepted graciously.

I arrived fashionably too late, and they were clearing away the piles of fruit and cheese already. This proved to be a theme: Eliza shows up, staff removes food. The Lucas soiree was held in a bar called Chapel, which is in what legend tells us was the city morgue. Sparingly decorated in cream and brown, with a playfully hand-lettered sign out front, the whole deal was extremely classy without being stodgy. As I had spent most of the night playing Sam and Max Hit the Road, this little get-together cemented my good Lucasy good feelings.

It was but a short taxi to SoDo for the big Microsoft party. I started laughing maniacally as soon as I got inside. Immediately greeting all arrivals was a fenced paddock filled with Segways. Backlit by spotlights, the tiny orange safety cones casting long shadows, gleeful geeks glided along the concrete. Some were actually wearing helmets.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is what it looks like when geeks party hard. That braying voice you hear at the end is one of the bizarre characters walking around the place, presumably performing the same function as birthday clowns. I mean, I hope Microsoft hired this guy. You can see him in the second gallery below; he's the one with all the toothbrushes.

And this is what it looks like when doves cry: the White Boy Dance as seen in the wild.

A live band flanked by projection screens and honeycomb-motif standups provided the soundtrack while the finest in spray-tan go go girls shuffled and jiggled on lit boxes. The band was called Beehive, and did a fine job of rocking the joint. I spotted more than a couple attendees actually waving to the dancers. To what end, I'm at a loss to speculate.

I found the buffet as it was being carted off, got in the Segway line as they told everyone there would be no more Segwaying that night, and played Prey until the 360 I was on choked and died. My audience laughed and said it never would have happened if Joystiq had been playing.

I started to cry, and ran out. Eliza Gauger

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