As a gamer, I have no interest in physical exertion. An amorphous blob squirted onto a sofa like a oogy dollop of pulsating liquid flesh, I have gruesomely mutated over the years into a sort of video game Tetsuo: a joystick stands erect from a gash in my thigh, I have DS Styluses implanted underneath my fingernails and one of my eyeballs has been removed and a miniature LCD display implanted in its stretched socket. This is home brew body mod at its finest, aimed to facilitate the perfection of a completely stationary existence, in which my mortal body is merely the disgusting vessel from which I digitally project my pixellated gamer soul onto the nearest television screen.

So I have no interest in loopScape, a game that requires me to run around in a circle for half an hour, dodging lights. It's like a vertigo-inducing LCD shmup. It hangs like a chandelier from the ceiling. It's two player, so there's the excellent chance that while you run around it, you will collide at high velocity with your opponent. If your partner were fat, this might be okay, like accidentally running into a wall of Marshmallow Fluff, but morbidly obese people like me aren't going to play it. That means your opponent is likely to be one of those clattering bags of sharp, rigid bones: running into one of these guys will be like being swatted by an anklyosaurus.

If I want physical exercise, I'll stick with morse code tapping DDR with my state-purchased reaching stick. Florian Eckhardt

If You Hate The Wii, You'll Really Hate This [Metafuture]