In the hierarchy of things you don’t put in your mouth, fireworks are right up there with razor blades and hobos, but nothing will stand in the way of Nabisco’s relentless quest to keep Snacktaku from eating things that aren’t Oreos.

Firework Oreos, in stores now alongside something called Waffle and Syrup Oreos (which we have top men searching for), do not feature caked gunpowder wafers sandwiched around sulfur-infused creme. In the snack business they call that a missed opportunity. You have to take risks, even if those risks involve murdering a prominent snackologist on camera.

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But no, Firework Oreos are just plain Oreos with red, white and blue “popping candy” mixed into the creme. That’s “popping candy” and not Pop Rocks, the famed carbonated candy that launched in 1975 and are the focus of a rumor about exploding stomachs spread by gullible scamps. It’s generic. It’s lawsuit-unfriendly. Not Pop Rocks.

Not Pop Rocks.

You can watch the video atop this post to witness my first taste and reactions to this rather lazy combination of iconic biscuit and dollar store knock-off candy.

Long story short, they are Oreos. They smell like Oreos. They taste like Oreos. Dredging your tongue around your mouth after eating one, you may be able to isolate a candy piece, which offers a slight hint of fruit-ish flavor, but otherwise they are Oreos that make noise inside your skull. Did you want noise inside your skull? If so, then here you go.

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As holiday-themed Oreos go, at least we’re getting these instead of a healthy dose of blue and red food coloring. Nothing says “American independence” like a purple toilet (Purple Toilet is the name of my Prince tribute death metal band).

See you next time, when we hopefully won’t be reviewing Orehobos.

Snacktaku is Kotaku’s take on the wild and wonderful world of eating (and drinking) things, but not eating meals. Eating meals is for those with too much time on their hands.