McSweeney's — a website so funny its editors should be brutally hobbled for the crime of not having an RSS feed — asked their columnist Rick Paulas to put together his fantasy baseball dream team. And after the orange flourescent fluttering of our Cheetos-saturated hearts, Rick has bravely stepped up to the plate and populated it entirely with 8-bit Nintendo Entertainment System Characters.

Here's Rick's pick for star pitcher of his NES All Stars.

Samus Aran from Metroid

Yes, she's a woman. Yes, her history as a bounty hunter causes others to distrust her. Yes, her body suit might not be legal. But it's all worth it. She has a fucking arm cannon built in. Literally.

Right on, Rick! Let's hope the team uniform will accommodate her bikini. His first baseman?

Dog from Duck Hunt, 1B

Despite having the reputation as a "clubhouse cancer" one gotten from always laughing at others, no matter how serious the issue the large canine is an annual Gold Glove recipient. However, his batting leaves much to be desired, as he continues to ignore the advice from the batting instructor to grow opposable digits.

Fantasy Baseball: Irrefutable Roster of Characters from Classic Nintendo Games [McSweeney's]

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