Articles about how to fix Nintendo are doomed. Doomed. If articles about 'how to fix Nintendo' do not follow this advice immediately, there might not be any more 'how to fix Nintendo' articles.
Could you imagine that? I know. It's scary. Small, niche video game websites without 'how to fix Nintendo' articles. I don't know if I want to live in that world. We've been reading 'how to fix Nintendo' articles all our lives. We've grown up with 'how to fix Nintendo' articles. Video games writing needs them. They must be saved and preserved for future generations to read the next time Nintendo releases a console that isn't quite as successful as the previous one. This is important.
But never fear; no need to worry. I, the all-knowing video games journalist, will come to the rescue. Armed with my incredible Wikipedia knowledge (and recently created Google Finance profile) I am here to tell youwhat you need to change to make your 'how to fix Nintendo' articles more legible, compelling and relevant.
Let's start at the start.
Your 'how to fix Nintendo' articles are too stubborn, too rigid in their thinking. Your articles simply refuse to listen to reason. It's the definition of insanity. Writers of 'how to fix Nintendo' articles keep releasing the same old article year after year. It's just the same bloody article everyone. Jesus. Why do people keep reading these things? Why do you keep writing them? Urgh. I just don't get it.
The story is always the bloody same. Editorial opinion pieces about How to fix Nintendo clearly need to invest more time and words in new 'ideas' or new 'things'. Editorial pieces about Nintendo need start from scratch. I'm sick of reading the same old words, the same old sentences, the same old paragraphs. It's beyond a joke.
Now is the time for change, 'how to fix Nintendo' article writers. Now is the time to reach out to outside sources — third parties if you will — for accurate information about how Nintendo's business model actually works. How to fix Nintendo articles are way too stuck in their ways. They need a fresh approach from external sources, they need to take what they learn from these sources and apply them to their own 'How To Fix Nintendo' articles.
If you don't do this you are doomed.
And what about mobile? Christ. Why do articles about 'How To Fix Nintendo' ignore the rapid growth of the mobile market? These articles are too long, too self-indulgent for modern consumers. They are plainly not designed to take advantage of the droves of people consuming online content on mobile devices. These articles are designed for desktop computers, an ageing format with absolutely no future. Expand your minds 'how to fix Nintendo' articles, start pushing the boundaries. Everyone is on mobile devices now. We don't want to read super-long articles about how to fix Nintendo! Make them shorter, cheaper. Make more of them. Quickly. Right this second. Goddammit, just listen to me. I'm trying to save your asses here. A knee jerk response isn't just recommended, it's practically mandatory.
At some point, I don't know when, 'How to fix Nintendo' articles just lost touch with their audiences. They just refused to grow up. I didn't mind reading them when I was younger and a bit more naïve, but I'm a grown-up now. I'm an adult. 'How to fix Nintendo' articles are just way too childish for us now and writers of 'how to fix Nintendo' articles need to realise this or lose us forever. They need new, mature ideas for the hardcore readership. They need to evolve beyond the same old dull, pointless, irrelevant advice. I for one am sick of reading the same words over and over again. I'm ready for something new.
With thanks to Dominic Ryan
This post originally on Kotaku Australia, where Mark Serrels is the Editor. You can follow him on Twitter if you're into that sort of thing.